Wipe the slate clean...

2002-12-30T23:58:00.000-08:00

ave hey there brudder. happy noo year. back from hongkong.

2002-11-30T06:54:00.000-08:00

It's been a while fellows. While I'm waiting for my move to Live Journal instead of Blogger (HINT HINT KAI!!! HINT HINT HINT HINT... ah-hem), I've decided to at least post one more entry.
Let's see.

I've discovered a gem of TV (if ever such a thing is possible) in the form of a drama serial called Smallville. Lex Luthor rocks. Watch Smallville.

I have not stopped smoking but it's 1 stick a day now. Though I have an excellent reason to stop smoking now. And it is not because of a girl. That is all you need to know.

I learnt that Under the Bridge was NOT sung by All Saints and covered by Red Hot Chilli Peppers but the other way round instead. Apologies to the torso bearing ones.

I like girls with braces. I find that they add that tinge of innocence and (surprisingly) confidence and cuteness in a girl. So straighten your teeth if you wanna nab me.

I am so self-absorbed that I have typed 5 lines starting with the word ' I ' and I am even proud to say it.

Apparently, I also like girls with that 'du lan' face. That kind of face that looks forever pissed off even though she's just not emoting. Like slightly frowned brows, slightly pouting lower lip. There is a difference between the throw tantrum face and the pissed off face. I like the pissed off one. Guess that explains a certain XYZ and the appeal she has on me. Weird I know. Braces and pissed off face.

2002-11-20T05:32:00.000-08:00

asdf

2002-11-06T08:17:00.000-08:00

ave come on chris, u know better than i do that u'll NEVER QUIT SMOKING. u will forever lay victim to the advertising and psychological tactics of the tobacco companies. bwahahahhahaaaa. (a little reverse psychology there)

2002-11-06T01:32:00.000-08:00

17... That's the cigarette count since the 1st.
Thank you.

2002-11-01T06:37:00.000-08:00

I'm at home and the fag count for today is 1.

I really have nothing of significance to say, yet I just feel like typing something out to the world. It's that bad. I don't know what it is that's bugging me. I just want to type whatever I am thinking of right now. This is indeed rambling. But I suppose even such random rambling has some meaning. And maybe, pretty soon, I will actually have something substantial to say.
Or maybe not. Let me try a lil poem.

I go through life everyday,
Without making much headway.
I look forward to the week's Saturday,
But get depressed and sigh on Sunday.
If only they would increase my pay,
Then life will be better, I daresay.
More money to spend at play,
And fufill my goal of being a gourmet.
But most of all, I'll need my fags ok?
All the stuff about death of me, that's just plain
cliche.

Thank you thank you...
I don't understand the point of that, but I bet you can take it to mean that I'm griping (yet again) about money woes. You wouldn't be too far off.

Oh yea, just remembered. I managed to 'dian' (electrocute) a girl successfully today on the bus. I was sitting right opposite her, such that we are looking at each other directly. Anyway, to cut a long story short, she was doing that glance-and-quickly-look-away-when-discovered thing the whole time, after I *eh-hem* made my 'moves'. Trade secret, so can't reveal eh? But as I got off, she once again took a long hard look at me. Too bad she was too damn ugly. *Pukes*...

Part two of getting to know me: Little factoids about the next messiah (don't I just sound like Francis Dolarhyde? I'm becoming!!)

Fact #2 - I am a lazy person. Very lazy. So lazy that if I had not been lazy, I would be in England on a scholarship and shagging english babes everyday. Of course that could just be nothing more than an excuse. And even I believe that it might just be an excuse. But the truth is I am extremely lazy. Sloth. I can't bear to do anything that requires hard work. Unless you get me really interested in the thing.

Which brings me to......

Fact #3 - If you get me extremely interested in something, I can just about do the impossible. Examples? Once I was totally immersed in the past time of playing a Yoyo (shut the fuck up before I get an interest in socking people in their faces) and within like 6 months, I was doing very nice looking and tough tricks, I was corresponding with a former world yoyo champion and the creator of a very popular line of yoyos. I was so close to him that when he came down to Singapore to promote the art of Yoyoing and his yoyos, I was right there next to him for all his shows. He would bring me around like I was part of his team, and I even got to know this cool Jap dude who's like the guy's pet student. I got both their signatures on me yoyos when the other kids were just relegated to staring at him. Also, during the few months I was interested in magic, I hooked up with a few cool guys, including the one and only professional illusionist in Singapore. In fact (and I'm not lying), David Copperfield's staff contacted me after hearing about an idea I have for an illusion. The guy I was directed to approach was Chris Kenner, literally the right-hand man of David Copperfield (the one that flies, not the one that sings). But he never replied me emails though his assistant did. Well... All this leads me to...

Fact #4 - I am one fucking big egoistic, boastful bitch. I think Fact #3 proves that enough such that I don't need to do any more. In fact, I'm cocky, I'm arrogant. Why else would I go 'shoot electricity' at some ugly girl on the bus? It was for kicks really. In fact, I was trying to make her scared of me (use your imagination here, I'm not saying anything). For a moment there, she was. She got uncomfortable and started looking really... erm... uncomfortable. Then later I thought better of it and tried a different approach, which finally resulted in her taking that long hard look at me before I alighted. Too bad some old fogey was standing between us, cos I actually winked at her but she didn't catch it. Oops... There we go again, the ego and boastful side. Aesop's fables are just full of tales about braggarts like me who started of as a fat, happy rich king but end up eating sand and drinking his own pee to survive. If that's what you believe, then I have news for you.

That's Aesop's fables. They teach what life is supposed to be. And if life is really like that, why bother to be teaching it? Mmm?

I shall leave you to go ponder that.

2002-11-01T01:54:00.000-08:00

What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2002-11-01T01:51:00.000-08:00

Today the count is at 1. And it will stay cos I have no fags of my own. By the way I suck:

What
kind of clothes should I be wearing? by Evelyn

2002-10-31T06:02:00.000-08:00

Hey Buddy... my rare appearance here... but only to wish you all the best in stubbin' out the cigs. I'm with you, man... hang in there.
PS: Biangz... you pian4 wo3! Say you only max out 3 cigs a day... *ahem*

~Kai

2002-10-31T01:39:00.000-08:00

I have an announcement. I am going to quit smoking as of tomorrow. At least I will be quitting till after Dec 3rd, where I will have my yearly checkup. I don't want the doctor to go, "Hey! Zuo mi orh orh eh? (Why black black one?)" when he does the ECG. So from now till Dec 3rd, everytime I do a Blog entry, I will include the cumulative number of fags I've had. The count starts from tomorrow 01 Nov 02.

Mind you, on a normal day, I have 5 fags or more. Weekends, if I'm going out, I will have more. So it's going to be a triumphant event if I manage to go one month with zero fags.

2002-10-28T05:19:00.000-08:00

Today I bought a bowl of noodles to eat. I ate happily for about half a bowl before I fished out a boiled centipede that's rougly 5cm long and black. I'm feeling so poisoned now. I hope the auntie is happy to be facing possible manslaughter. So ppl, I might not last through the week, if you have something terribly important to tell me, say it now. It's a centipede, the kind with poison.

In other news, I shall do a series of posts to tell my avid readers (all you shy ppl, shucks...) about who I am. And what I am.

For starters, to enrich your otherwise pathetic lives (why else are you spending time reading a stranger's blog?): I can only mix around with the beautiful smart. So if you happen to be fat and ugly and low on the IQ, I don't care if you are the Pope reborn or the Dalai Lama, you have no sodding business with me and neither do I have anything to do with you.

2002-10-28T04:26:00.000-08:00

What kind of person you'll be attracted to in real life situation..

D. Horse - those are unbridled, untrammeled, and free

In the process of courtship, which approach would make you feel irrisistable...

B. Lion - straight-forward, just tell you he (she) loves you

What impression you would like to give to your lover...

B. Cat - stylish

What incident would cause you break up with your partner which character you hate most...

B. Snake - emotional, too moody; and you don't know how to please him/her

What kind of relationship you would like to build with your partner...

B. Horse - both of you can talk about everything and anything, no secret is kept

Would you commit adultery...

A. Human - you care about the society and morality, you won't do anything wrong after marriage

What do you think about marriage...

B. White Tiger - you think of marriage is a precious thing, once you get married, you'll treasure it and your partner very much

At this moment, what do you think of Love...

C. Horse - you dont' want to be tied by a steady relationship, you just want to flirt around

from here

2002-10-27T23:43:00.000-08:00

Nice sonnet ave. Thanks. Though I kinda feel the guy is so fearful of death, he's trying to be arrogant in its face. I won't be surprised if he died shortly after this poem from some terminal disease that made him bed-ridden and had to have his own ass wiped by his spouse after he crapped himself trying to get a fart out for 2 hours. Which reminds me:

Confidence is like a squriming little bug under your thumb. Just when you thought you have your grip on it, it scutters away into some dusty corner, and to another when you look. But gaining it back, now there's the magic. Some spend a lifetimes trying to gain confidence. Some just woke up with it. Some thought they had it and realised they are only fooling themselves all along.

Now what is sadder? To have no confidence throughout your life or to have thought you had it and be told you were deceiving no one but yourself?

And if you lost it, if it runs away from under your desperate thumb, how then do you get it back?

Now me? I drank a fifth of whiskey, had a horrible sleep (tossing like I was tuna in a pan) and woke up with it back where it belong. Then, the question is, am I lying to myself or am I really back to me old self? Hmmmm...

Weekends do this kind of thing to me. Shuhui and Jiaying would understand perfectly... All the depression and feeling of 'duh' in the Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Oh, what would I have done without Jack Daniel?

PS. Can you believe that I'm getting tired of fags? The kick is no longer there and I don't know why I'm still doing it. Maybe it's time to turn to Reds. But they taste horrible. Ah, the sacrifices I have to get some life in my life...
Double PS. I'm being blasted on someone's blog as (and I quote) "fucking ******". The stars represent my name. Why? Cos I'm a star... =þ
Anyhow... Blimey. Then again, when have I ever said that I wasn't a fucking ******? ;-) But by god, I feel like I'm a tool... The words 'spite' and 'crumpy little biscuits' immediately popped into my head. I will leave you with that thought, ladies and gentlemen, cos you don't expect me to spoon feed you when you are already being forced feed so much do you? Ha!

2002-10-27T07:10:00.000-08:00

ave
a donneian petrarchan sonnet written in iambic pantameter with occasional trochaic feet.

Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure: then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell;
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

2002-10-23T05:23:00.000-07:00

ave hey. oxford admission is AAA/AAB. im on a rrrroll!

2002-10-18T07:20:00.000-07:00

ave hello there. this was originally intended to be a surprise, with undertones of appreciation and glee. but apparently the mood i am in now does not facilitate my intention. of course this only means that the spirit while willing is entrapped in a weak earthly shell. weak, as well as sinful. sigh. there's a taste of life.

2002-10-18T03:27:00.000-07:00

I'm at work. I'm at work and it's 613pm local time. To be more precise, I'm at my workplace. Blimey. Official knock-off time is 500pm but today was one of those days where they scheduled a meeting at 500pm. I had to be the unlucky one (out of the two of us) to stay behind. Hold on, the meeting has ended. This is in real time. Unfortunately, the boss will be likely to stay back to do 30mins of actual work and 2 hours of newspaper reading. Which means he would 'kindly' offer to send me home. Doesn't help that he stinks and his car is 20 years old. And I have to pretend to enjoy conversation with him while giving him the idea that he's smarter than me. Not that I am definitely smarter than he is, but the idea is to make him feel superior to me. Apparently I don't feel that way. At least if he does send me home, I would be home faster. Ooh the pain of boredom... I need adrenalin rushes, maybe that's explains why I was having a 'lively' time even though today was one bloody busy day. But the aftermath is terrible. You feel sluggish and extremely irritated, all pumped up with energy and no way to expend it. Yet you feel lazy and tired, not wanting to do anything except sit there and moan about how boring everything is. Post Huang Cheng depression is an aggravated example of this. Formula: Boost of adrenalin + action + stuff to do + nothing to do afterwards = laziness + eventual depression.

Unless of course I get stoned. Either through alcohol or fags. And I've run out of me fags. Brill...

2002-10-17T01:48:00.000-07:00

Hooray Hoora... The car has been fixed and the driver is in place. Taking you for a ride will be a piece of cake...

2002-10-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

I am not a genius...

Ok but I'm still lazy... Will fix this dump-shit some other time.

2002-10-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

It worked!
I must be some kind of genius...

... when in fact, I am a lazy genius. I knew that what I did to make this work would work along time ago, but I only did what I knew would make this work now instead of immediately at the time I know that doing what I did would make this work. 'Nuff said.

2002-10-04T02:27:00.000-07:00

Does this thing work?

2002-09-23T04:51:00.000-07:00

If I were a Dead Russian Composer, I would be Sergei Rakhmaninov.

I lived in the early Twentieth Century and was well known for my compositional, conducting, and piano skills, yet I am melancholy despite this talent. My famous works include my nearly-impossible piano concerti.

Who would you be? Dead Russian Composer Personality Test

Hear that? Nearly-impossible... I am too great.

2002-09-21T05:26:00.000-07:00

You are 25% geek

OK, so maybe you ain't a geek. You do, at least, show a bit of interest in the world around you. Either that, or you have enough of a sense of humor to pick some of the sillier answers on the test. Regardless, you're probably a pretty nifty, well-rounded person who gets along fine with people and can chat with just about anyone without fear of looking stupid or foolish or overly concerned with minutiae. God, I hate you.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Why am I Arnie??

2002-09-21T05:21:00.000-07:00

What Planet Are You From?

this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim

What can I say? I'm here to entertain. But thanks, Aveline! Really. Just keep that nero burning... Eh hem...

i tend to speak in riddles, and getting a straight answer out of me is indeed a notable moment. while i may act a little crazy, i am actually quite lucid and tend to be the voice of reason. my sanity is in a good balance with my insanity.

target="new" title="we're all mad here">how mad are you?

this quiz was made by piksy

Combine this one with the first one and you have a god - Me. I mean seriously, this looks good. Don't you think?

2002-09-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

Hey man... saw that you've got yourself a new blog friend... ahhh... your writing is finally bein' appreciated by the masses... or startin' to be =] ~Kai~

2002-09-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not doing anything for 3 days. There is such a thing called work in this world. Or rather, National Service. Add that to the fact that internet time costs money, something I am in short supply of. And also I got addicted to the 9.00pm Channel 8 show. Oh Jacelyn Tay's character (Danchun, which means innocent in Chinese) is quite like the lass I'm eyeing now. Let's call her XYZ for easy reference. In fact, it was her who alerted me to this show and this character, asking if I felt she and Danchun were similar. And I suppose I'm watching the show for her (XYZ) now. It's silly and I realise it. Stupid to watch a show just for a girl. But I'm a die-hard romantic and I'm too idealistic for my own good. All this means that this bout of love bug will reduce me to a raw slab of battered meat at the end of the day.

I've done some thinking on the bus trip home and I understood why I fail at this relationship thing while other young punks will already have gone through a gross of 'sayangs'.
It's simple. I'm too smart.
Tis true you must know. I think too much about relationships and I place too much importance and significance on it. While the punks I've mentioned have the thinking that they can jump into any relationship because if it doesn't work out, there will be another one, I, on the other hand, am looking for something more meaningful and longer-lasting. And I respect the opposite sex too much. If the object of desire of young punk were to reject him the first time, the punk is likely to just press on, coaxing her and giving heaps upon heaps of life philosophy and reasons, trying to convince her to give him a chance. Instead, what I does is to back down at the first rejection. Agreed that it may appear as if I am a quitter, that I am a wuss who just run at the first sign of resistance. But the reason I do that is because I believe in the idea that love is a two-way street. If I laid out my cards and you tell me that there is no chance, I will leave it at that. You have made a choice and I respect that enough to not attempt to confuse and trick you into something that would probably end in misery.
Let's see, I am really coming out as a loser in love here.
First girl I confessed to, I left her a voice message on her pager. Got rejected.
Second girl, I nervously gave her a letter (I was young and stupid...!). She never made her stand clear. We never talked again too.
Third girl (and they say third time's the charm... Ho ho ho...), I confessed through sms. Didn't work out either. Also was the hardest one of the three.
Fourth girl... We'll see. But I intend to do it face to face if it comes to that. And then, I would have nearly covered all forms of communication short of fax and email. I sound like a loser. I probably am. All for giving more thought and respect to something that the seemingly successful ones don't really give much sodding care about. Maybe I too should not care so much and just trick naive girls into a relationship. Nah, I could never do that simply because I would not be able to get what I want from that kind of relationship. Right, aren't I a bloody gentleman. Hah.
Why do I like XYZ. For this first time I took effort to think about this. And for the first time I did not give the cliche reason, "I don't know why I like her. I just got that special kind of feeling." These are some of the reasons I found:
I like her strong, unwavering character.
I like her honesty.
I like her innocence.
I like how she does not play to other people.
I like her cheerfulnees.
I like her spirit.
I like her smile.
I like her tenacity.
I like her frown.
I like her flaws.
I like how she still has that 'hai2 zi3 qi4".

Has anyone puked their rings out yet? Guess I got a little carried away. I was smiling all the while I typed that. I have to admit this is not a side I show often. And I haven't shown this side for many months. This is the underbelly of my armadillo. Have fun poking.

2002-09-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

And how come I am female in both these tests?!?!?!?!?!?!

2002-09-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

Your magical style is Witch.

What type of Magic do you work?. Take the Magical Style Quiz by Paradox

Interesting... That can only mean that I am fucking up my own life. Arsehole.

You are a siren.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

Great... Logical fallacy here. You are giving me two extremes when there is actually a middle ground.

2002-09-10T18:43:00.000-07:00

Now that you mentioned it, I forgot about Rudy. Rudy's Rowdy Kitchen or something like that. And hey, you should know that in the bastard business, I am more likely to turn and bite than most people out there. Though I'm one of those subtle bastards. Those that people REALLY hate. Anyway, I'll be writing up an IOU for that guy.
Autumn? But I'm not old... Oh you mean the real kind of autumn... Nah, I think it's just life reminding you that you are not all powerful. Crap. But all's well so far. Been sms-ing her quite a bit. As in, last time not so close to her so don't really talk much or sms much. But these few days (actually only 1 day) have been pretty fine. If I don't succeed, at least got one more friend. Unless I confess, THEN I flop on my face. That is like, hrm............. Maybe I'm just getting bored and lonely. My family situation is stagnant now, nearer the 'Totally Fucked-up' end of the family happiness meter. So work doesn't give me pleasure, and home doesn't give me release. Somehow this still doesn't lead to 'developing-feelings-for-this-girl-I-knew-for-some-time-but-wasn't-really-close-to', but it's my own quirky logic lah. I think I've improved somewhat. Last time I would most likely avoid and avoid and hide and get paranoid and hide and avoid and etc... But hey! I'm taking the initiative to sms her! Cool... I rock!

Ah-hem. Watched the Emmy-nominated (key word is 'nominated') documentary last night. Honestly, I think it's pretty pointless. It's just shows over and over and over again various videos and pictures of the event. We get like 10 (seriously that many) shots of the South Tower collapsing. It's shocking yes, and it brought back all those 'what the --!!' feelings that I had one year ago, but what's the point here? Yea I know, the documentary is supposed to show the event through the eyes of Former New York Mayor and the citizens of New York City. Somehow I felt that was overkill. One and a half hours of video and pictures.

The bits I liked best were the few shots of the firemen and police and even the construction workers rolling down the streets with their vehicles, all dust-covered and weary and looking like shit, and they were greeted by miles (nearly) of people standing at the curbs, waving signs saying 'THANK YOU' or 'OUR HEROES'.
That was kinda heart-warming even for me. There was this guy who was just standing there and taking a camera (not news crew though) and he was shouting to a fire engine passing him. He just kept shouting 'Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!'. He looked pretty emotional too. Neat.
Another one that I liked was this shot taken after both towers collapsed. There was a couple of firemen and maybe one or two police officers and they were walking down some street (the streets all looked the same after being covered with the dust et al). I think they were walking towards Ground Zero and about to help out. And behind them, you see 10, maybe 20 other CIVILIANS, all covered in dust, some even injured. But they automatically started following the firemen and the police officers. All had the look of dead determination and the narration was mentioning about how the civilians just helped as much as they could even though they were victims themselves. Neat number two.

Other than that, Rudolph (the mayor... ok the EX-mayor) didn't cry on camera, they showed a few funerals and wakes in progress (at that time lah!), and well that's about all. I know one emmy that show would never get nominated for - Cinematography. Ok ok bad joke. Well... Sigh...

So that's that then. Let's hope that nothing else would happen again this year, else I think we'll have to sell our house and start living under the Shears bridge. Peachy.

2002-09-10T04:06:00.000-07:00

Welcome back manz... been missin' your updates. Maybe you can get dear 'ol Rudy (reminds me of that ol' fogey on Survivor) to sign an IOU... you never know who can turn out to be a bastard eh? Ahh... love life... yah yah, I'm interested (I'm gossip-blur but genuine cases are more than welcome). I know her? Reveal only if U wanna yo. Haha... welcome to the club... is this lovelorn thing an Autumn thang?? ~Kai~

2002-09-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

Since the last time I took a vacation from this blog, I've also received something else from UCAS. It's a some sort of newsletter about clearing. To explain, clearing is what the folks there do to the people who could not get into the UK uni of their choice because their results were too lousy. My results were not too lousy. My money was. Too bad too bad... Maybe if I start selling the mail I get from UCAS I can get enough dough to send me over to the UK. Ho. Ho. Ho. I just kill myself with my jokes.
Yesterday was about as eventful as a snail race. ALTHOUGH.... I 'sold' my MD to this guy called Rudy. He said he will call me last night to confirm the meeting place etc. He didn't call, obviously. But he did today! And he wants to get it, only if I allow him to pay me in 2 installments of $100 (doesn't take a bloody genius to realise I sold it for $200 now, does it?). My alarm went off for a while, but I agreed. Hell, I can use the money. So tomorrow I'm supposed to meet him and pass him the stuff. And tomorrow is the day I'm supposed to be on leave.

Funny how life throws these things at you. But heck it, I'm gonna say that I'll be on duty and I can't make it tomorrow, so too bad Rudy. =þ

And get this (Kai, you should be soooo interested...), my heart started moving again. Kind of. As in I'm starting to have feelings for someone esle again. Yes, yes... Kinda think that this is the ONLY bloody area I haven't had any success in thus far. Sod it... But no details other than that you know her too, Kai... I don't think I'm going to take any action or do what I did last time. I think I will leave her alone. Cos she's young and innocent and I'm like... this. I honestly feel that this time round, I would be able to 'get' her though. Unusual confidence from me, but I think if I tried, I have a good chance. Either that or I am seriously delusional. I've been debating whether I should try or not, and well... I only 'think' I should leave her alone. My world was actually looking pretty dandy until this. Oh shit.

2002-09-08T01:56:00.000-07:00

Howdy. It's been too fucking long since I came back to this thing. It's weird how it is. I leave it for months and then out of nowhere I find the fire to start writing nearly everyday. Then I leave it for another 2 months... nearly. But I'm back, at least for today.
So the big Q is, "What the bloody hell have you been doing since July the 26th when you decide to go for an unannounced hiatus?!" Right. I can sum up the activites of the past month or so with these:
1) Type
2) Print what I typed
3) Fax what I printed
4) Come home and rot
5) Worry about money

Technically, the above 5 activites is what I have been doing since April, since I enlisted into NS. Beautiful life really. Oh yea, about the chest pains? Not long after the last post, I succumbed and went to a doctor. He said it was muscle pain (very funny doc, like I lift weights with my nipples), gave me some meds and told me to go suffer somewhere else. Needless to say, until today, there are still some isolated cases of chest pain. But I live. I'm not worried that I'll be dead tomorrow or something sodding ridiculous like that.

The stuff. Namely, the bunch of comics that was supposed to be sent out aeons ago. The good news is they finally arrived. The bad news is they arrived smelling like that they spent 2 months on a ship... Oh wait, they did. Now, the worse news is that a few days before the stuff arrived, I've written a letter to my bank to request that they get my money back. Since, the bank has sent me a letter, saying they are looking into this matter and will let me know if anything pops up. So I got the goods, and I'm trying to get my money back at the same time. Rationally speaking, I should have called the bank and told them to stop disputing these transactions (to use bank jargon). But, I saw no wrong in not doing anything and hope the bank succeeds and brings me back my $500++. Immoral as it may be, I don't give a piss about it. Problem now is, if the bank knows that I got the package, and yet I still tried to get the money from them, I might land myself in some legal troubles. Worse if they discovered I cheated them only AFTER they got my money back. Nice eh, it's about time I get some courtroom action anyhow. But I don't care. I'm letting this ride out. If I get my money and they never found out, great! If they charge me with attempted fraud, then I'll start to panic. Not very wise, what I'm doing, so don't try this kids.

Oh did you know that the Prime Minister has more or less fucked himself bad during the National Day Rally Speech? The bloody idiot has got himself in a fix, branding people who migrate as "quitters" and people who don't as "stayers", and how the stayers ought to be considered saints while the quitters should be eating shit. The prat has got it made I tell you. Generally everyone has something to say about this labelling of Singaporeans. And most of them are nasty. I for one think the PM has really gotten himself in some deep shit. ERP prices increases, CPF reduces, GST increases, Paycheck reduces. And now this. As much as the PM is SUPPOSEDLY trying to get S'poreans thinking about the staying/quitting issue, I think he has just breeded a hell lot more "quitters" single-handedly in one speech then the govt did in 37 years of independence. Hahaha... Talk about the mother of back-fires.

Anyway, Sep 11 is peeking around the corner, and I took leave on that day as well. Nifty. I'll be back again. And maybe I might let in on what I've been 'researching' recently. See you mates.

2002-07-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

Ah. Today I went back to school to collect my A level certificate. During my lunch time no less. What a bloody waste of time it was really. Less than a minute to collect the cert. More than an hour to get there and back. Ah sick...

And finally I received the clearing letter from UCAS. About time too. Finally I can stop receiving mail from them bugging me to buy laptops or notes and textbooks. And my chest pains? The good news is that I've gotten used to them so they are no longer that sharp. The bad news is that the pains now strike both sides of the chest. Definitely something like lung infection, considering that I am still coughing and all. Erm... I am broke. I have $6 to use until the next pay day, which will be the 10th of August. Ugh.

And the stuff still haven't come yet. That's right. Time to start panicking a little. What does it take to have a little happiness?

Shucks... I can't watch a girl go by nowadays and not think of holding her hand and imagining her as my girl. It's perverse and sick the way I do this nearly everytime I see a pretty girl walk by. Guess the hormones are finally waking up. Oooh, the connotations. Anyhow, there are more durians today! 7 of them. I think this is the first durian season that I have been eating so many of them. My throat is going to be shot to hell after this I'm sure. At least I'll have a sexy husky voice. Oooh the hormones...

I am so self-centered and just so selfish. When will I learn? Probably never. This is bad stuff. I'm lonely, I hate going to work, I hate coming back home, I'm broke and yet still buying expensive stuff, I'm letting my brain rot to hell and finally I am not healthy. Did I mention I am so full of self-pity too? Can I ever end my posts with something nice? Stay tuned mates...

2002-07-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what is wrong with this world. Yesterday I received ANOTHER (probably the 400th one) letter from UK, this time from Lancaster, telling me that they are having a meet the prospective student session somewhere. It pisses me right off. I have submitted the reply form, saying I am rejecting all offers long ago! And still I get so much mail. I suppose UCAS is not as efficient as I had wanted it to be. What a bloody waste of money.

The thing was, the letter brought back some memories. Specifically, those of the day when I got my A levels results and the immediate months after. That was devastating. I was on all counts, the lousiest in my whole class. The one with the worst results. The one who is at the bottom. BBBB. And my chance of studying overseas are dashed just like that. But it didn't really stop me from applying all those scholarships did it? Wasted all the time and effort too. But I suppose it was the best. In hindsight, I didn't think Econs would be my thing. But then again, some time in the future, I would probably think that going into Arts and Social Sciences is the worst possible decision of my life. That is my nature.

But all in all, I am disappointed that I could not go overseas and get 'exposed' to the world. To be free... But if I had really gone and done Econs, I guess then it would be a matter of time before I slit my wrists or jumped off a nice Cathedral somewhere. Maybe this is what they call a blessing in disguise. But come on, do I really have to get BBBB??

Oh yes. I have done some research and asking around and these are some of the possiblities to explain my chest pains:
1) I have heart disease and I am going to die soon. (Well not really. This was something I thought up.)
2) MVP (Micro Valve something. I have no idea what this is.)
3) Muscle cramp (From exercising too much. This is probably the least likely since I DON'T exercise.)
4) Sucking chest wound (Oh wait. My mistake. This is what would happen if I put a bullet through my chest.)
5) Lung infection (Sounds most likely.)
6) Something that is harmless and will never be found out even if I have myself opened up, my heart dissected and tested. My opinion? Ha. Ha.

So there you have it. Most of them do not really lead to agonising deaths but the lung infection sounded most serious as that could really lead to death. So I suppose it will be a matter of time before I go to the doc's to find out what the bleeding hell is wrong with my chest.

Ah. Sigh. This has been a rotten week so far. The other NSF who is supposed to do duty with me together? His grandmother died last week and was given compassionate 'off' by my boss from 18th to 23th. Which means he should be back today. But we were informed that he has a 2 day MC now. Which now means I have to do 2 more bloody days of duty. Since the 18th, it is nearly a week of getting up early and returning home after the sun had gone down. And I have been ridiculously busy today! Something must be testing my patience. The duties (had my officer not told me to leave first today, I could have been staying at the offices till 7+, which means I'll be home at 9++), the workload, the high expectation of me to do all the stuff fast and without mistakes, and the total disregard of my human rights. I mean half the office (my direct superior included) leave at 5pm SHARP. And I have to stay back everyday to lock up their stuff. And the next morning I have to be there earlier than them to unlock their things. And I am expected to not make a single spelling error or typo, be PROACTIVE (in the words of my direct superior), ALERT (once again her words...) and fast and efficient and not complain!! I am a human. I serve the country now (albeit TOTALLY against my bloody will and common sense), not my boss or my department. Yet I am severly underpaid while expected to put as much effort into everything I do as any other regular or DXO, who gets a SALARY that is at least 3 times more than my ALLOWANCE. Sure, those are duties and responsibilities given to me and I am expected to perform them. But there are two huge points that the supposedly brilliant SAF organisation conveniently turns a blind eye to:

1) I did not seek these responsibilities nor do I have a choice to accept them or not.
2) I do not do this for a living.

Yet the expectation is of me to throw myself into my work as if my life truly depended on it, and to not feel that I am being taken advantaged of by being given a beautiful $350 a month.

They treat me as a modern slave. That is the bottomline. I am a slave. ESS-ELLE-AY-VEE-YEE.

SAF = Serve and Fuck-off

Singapore and SAF should be proud that they have changed my goals in life. Now, one of my very main long term goal is to fuck out of this country and live elsewhere. Migrate. And if and when I do, Singapore happens to be destroyed by Malaysia or be economically crippled by its own government, so be it. I don't give a shit. All thanks to Singapore. Cheerio!

2002-07-22T06:33:00.000-07:00

The cough's there... Still... Nothing amazing about that... What might be amazing would be if it had gone away. Just. Like. That.
So what happened today? Nothnig much. Still no DVD to test the player with. Really exciting business there. The let-down. Nothing in the mail, so nothing worth noticing there. Though the junk mail seems to be leaking from into my mailbox from the mailbox just above mine. And it's much too inside the box for the lazy me to reach in to take.

Oh yeah. Just remembered. Been having these sharp stabbing pains in my chest. The left side to be exact. Just below the collarbone. It stings. Just a sharp piercing pain that lasts less than a second. And then it's gone. It hits whenever it likes. And just today, I had a blacking out sensation as I had another one of those attacks. Seriously, I don't know what the heck those are and I AM too bloody lazy to actually go see a doc about it. It's been there for about a week. Guess I would go see a doc about it. As for when, I cannot say.

Hmm... What else? Nothing else. That's it. That's today for you. Ta-ta.

2002-07-21T03:26:00.000-07:00

Well hello guys. Being a while hasn't it? You know how it is. Army and life and laziness. I think if I weren't lazy, I wouldn't be me. Honestly, the only bloody thing constant about me is how lazy I am. Take my current state of sickness for example. I started with a fever in the middle of the night, which made me wake up and have the fan on me even though the aircon was on. But I didn't see a doctor. Too far to walk down the stairs to the Medical Office. Actually it was the walking back up that really put me off. No biggy. The fever went away 2 days later... To be replaced by a beautiful dry cough. Just this morning I had the pleasure of seeing dark green phlem being blown out of my nose. The phlem was really thick. I will spare the details of how I know it's gooeiness. And I still am not going to the doctor's.

That said and done, I don't think I am doning anything to help my condition at all. For the past few days, I've been eating durians and more durians. Fried food, frozen food and 'heaty' food. Sure helps keep the green of my phlem up I say.

And we got a DVD player! Sure is funny why my father nearly preaches to me eveyday about how he will be losing his job and how expenses are piling up everyday. His solution? Go out and get a DVD player. The funniest thing is, he now comments on the ridiculous prices of DVDs and I'm guessing it would take a miracle before he gets one. So he spends the money to get a player only to not get stuff that it player plays. Ah whatever. It's not like I'm a thrifty bastard. Nearly $600 for a pile of comics. And it hasn't arrived yet. I'm just all comfortable seeing my bank account decrease and the stuff not coming in.

Ever noticed how long strips of sea coconut are just made for turning into disgusting bits of something. They sure look like worms enough. Cut them into odd shapes and dunk them in red food dye and I'm sure a good impersonation of Hannibal Lecter won't be far away. But that's just what I think.

Ugh. When will I get well? I just hate those coughing spells where the phlem tickles your throat and you have to cough it away or drink something to make it better? Can be so not helpful to you on the bus or in the office, which is just stock full of people who keeps telling you to go to the doctor's.... before you spread the disease to them. Well they won't get sick because of me, because this bout of health lowness is brought on by a marathon of fried food and heaty stuff. I had knew I was going to be sick the night I got the fever. I wasn't disappointed...

Later chaps...

2002-07-17T06:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, slow down here, you shouldn't try to please everyone, and you definately shouldn't try to spend every waking moment with them either. Two aspirin are prescribed for every two minutes with you. But don't worry, there's hope, just learn to back off a little and maybe get tested for ADD, and you'll make a friend. Maybe even two.

2002-07-06T07:59:00.000-07:00

What Retard are you?

What stupid online quiz are you?

2002-07-06T07:43:00.000-07:00

What Was Your PastLife?


	I make the most of what is given to me, and what lacks, I can improvise. I am a quick learner, and can master new skills rapidly. I am the jack of all trades. Master of none is a small price to pay. You may call it beginners luck. I call it absorbency. What's your superpower?

Take the Purrsonality Quiz!

2002-06-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

Haven't been updatin' on your life? Kaypoh me just droppin' in to jibe you into exposin' more about your life...

~Kai~

2002-06-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

i am

href="http://www.ummhmm.net/index.shtml">what poo are you?

The idealistic speechwriter is well-liked by just about everyone. He's known for his excellent writing, sense of humor, and tendency to be clutzy. Although being younger than the rest of the staff, he's often treated as so, much to his dismay.

:: Which West Wing character are you? ::

i am

what sexual performer are you?

i am

what
microsoft OS are you?

2002-06-08T04:40:00.000-07:00

What soccer player are you?

Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz

src="http://test3.thespark.com/childtest/award/mpid.gif"
border=1>

2002-05-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

One month and this is what i have been up to...

which Episode II character are you?

Senator Palpatine. First acquaintances do not see you for who you really are. You have a great power inside you, and are already beginning to manipulate those around you. You cannot stand do-gooders and are plotting against everybody to finally get what it is that you want. Power. In order to gain power, you need someone strong and intelligent - and there is one....

You are a dreamer. Constantly filling your mind with fantasies, you withdraw inside yourself in order to experience these more clearly. You dislike people and the distractions they cause. You are eccentric and lack a firm grasp on reality. You experience a wide range of emotions, and can often times be dangerous to yourself and others. You need to focus more on the real world.

Your song is: Solitary Shell

Which degree of inner turbulence are you?

This quiz was made by Dionae

OR I AM THIS:

You have high standards for yourself, and try desperately to live up to them. But when you are unable to reach those goals, you fall into a deep depression. People see you as a brilliant person, yet inside, you are full of self-doubt and fear of failure. You need to set more reasonable goals.

Your song is: About to Crash

Which degree of inner turbulence are you?

This quiz was made by Dionae

ya that's all...

2002-04-24T05:51:00.000-07:00

Also known widely as the Fire Bird, the phoenix is a profound symbol of the circle of life. It has a life cycle of 500 to 600 ears and after that amount of time, it sets itself on fire and dies in the flames. Then after three days, it rises again from the ashes. It is a completely benign creature who lives in dew. It is said that the phoenix has a beautiful melidous song which grows ever more mournful as its life comes to an end. It is a symbol of the sun and immortality. The phoenix is a very worthwhile beast.

What mythical beast best represents you?Take the quiz!

2002-04-20T23:19:00.000-07:00

Take the What Kind of Slacker are you? Quiz

i lied... ok.. this is true now... not going to go on net much now...

2002-04-19T06:05:00.000-07:00

ok... won't be making many updates for the month of april. cos i exceeded my net time and it's expensive. must save money. so peace to all and see you later...

2002-04-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

i'm back! to singapore main island! where i dun have to take malaria pills and sleep at 2230 SHARP and wake up at 0515...

but since i got posted to some place in gombak, i would probably have to wake up at 0515 or earlier... life is so sad...

2002-04-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

i would be going away for a week. maybe more. i will not say where i am going, because you probably know already... for the meantime, consider these questions:

If your country go to war, would you fight for your country?
Why?
Why not?

I would like to hear as many views as possible (and that would be hard I know). Email me or just put it up as a comment. See you soon.

*Sob*... oh me so sentimental...

yea right....

2002-04-05T08:04:00.000-08:00

quick quick... do you see the little 'comments' link on the line that says who posted this??? quick... leave me comments!!!

ah... the wonders of stealing ppl's ideas... but dun mistake me... i give credit where it is due... this is where i got the neat lil thing: here

2002-04-05T06:52:00.000-08:00

i lose... i lose... i use the original colour combination... sue me...

or email me! i add that link now!! how stupid of me...

oh hey, interesting incident:

today on the mrt, i was sitting down and there was a woman 2 seats to my right. i was at the left-most seat, leaning on the partition. there was an empty seat between us. then a woman in her late 40s, wearing a red dress, looking plain with shoulder-length straigh hair, thin, wear specs walked over and smiled at the woman (who is now known as woman A to aviod confusion). woman A smiled back, and red woman sits down. i thought they are colleagues or friends. quite a few stops past without any interaction between the 2. i then thought that the red woman was one of those polite, 'higher class' ppl who smile a lot to strangers because, admit it, this behaviour is more typical of worldly-wise ppl.
suddenly, woman A coughs and says, "excuse me", in such a tone that you know she doesn't mean it, and is only saying it out of politeness. ah... the fakeness of singapore society...
even more suddenly, red woman starts talking to woman A, something about the air being dusty so sneeze (when woman A coughed). in chinese. i thought they friends. but woman A forced a smile and kept silent.
even more suddenly now, red woman talks about some ailment she has. something about her fingers slowly losing strength and mobility one by one. and how that she saw 10 doctors and still cannot heal her.
now i know... this woman is a bit nuts... talks to strangers just like that...
and most suddenly, red woman says that it's alright, never mind. cos jesus will heal her...

ok... nutcase... jesus heal you... sure... but your mind how?? sigh... but i suppose religion and god and jesus has kept her some what saner that she might have been. at least she has faith in something that fuels her. that keeps her going in everyday life. at least she still sees legitimate doctors and not sit there thinking jesus will heal her no matter what disease she gets. that would be sad... but how things will turn out is anybody's guess, for that is the only brief moment of contact i have had with her. i wish her all the best and that the jesus in her heart WILL heal her for real... boy am i a saint or wat...

2002-04-05T06:20:00.000-08:00

ugh... have to change my colour... or not!! no... i'm leaving it the way it is... who cares about it?!? hahahahaha...
received some email from PSC (whose scholarships are like woooo hooooo!!! top grade stuff!!!) telling me to go for a psychometric retest because the results are needed for my application...

good...

question is: I DIDN'T APPLY FOR ANY OF THE PSC SCHOLARSHIPS

so wat is going on? stay tuned to this developing mystery... full of suspense and tension... ooohhh... hot!

2002-04-03T04:38:00.000-08:00

yo yo... wtf?

k... i ain't no ghetto star so i'll stop trying...
this is me just posting for fun...

update:

my dad is losing his job... that's right ppl, he will be retrenched... well not confirmed yet, but guess it might be more or less... think:
1) he's a clerk in HDB
2) HDB is going to let go 3000 ppl
3) you say that the high paid ones will be let go... but they are not highly paid for nothing... on the contary
4) they will let go the ones that do not contribute to the firm's (HDB is a firm somewhat) growth
5) so... they can cut pay of the high paid ones, but the low paid ones (aka my father)... cut their pay might as well fire them altogether...
6) conclusion... my dad has worked there for a lot of years... and he is still a clerk... so...

dunno what i'm gonna do if that really happens... guess i might just sign on as a clerk in NS... if that is the way out...

2002-04-02T18:43:00.000-08:00

You're the 80's Man!
No, you're not a cross-dresser. You're just the odd-shaped 80's lego man! You love the classic legos, and you're not into all these new-fangled expensive kits. Why settle for the new when the old is just as good, and far less expensive!

Take the "What Lego character are you?" test! by ctbx

rock on... bring me the big hair and bell-bottoms cos your daddy's gonna parteee tonight... yeah baby!!

Basically you're just a big tough bastard.
People respect you but don't really like you.
And frankly you couldn't give a shit.

Take The "Which WWF Wrestler are you?" Quiz.
Created by Potman

hell yeah!! no one else i rather be man!! woo hoo!!!!!

i can just cry............

2002-04-02T18:30:00.000-08:00

I am 81-100% Ghetto

I am GHETTO FABULOUS.

eat dirt yo stinkin' white asses!

2002-03-28T06:07:00.000-08:00

there it is... my last day at work... bummer...

kinda fell in love with the place, the people mainly... wanna stay there forever, not go NS...

well... i did say the same thing about huang cheng... haha... this is gonna go down as one of the treasured memories, just like huang cheng... it was a good place to work at... and though the pay was little, i loved the place... and now, it's all over... i won't be there anymore... give the ppl there a few weeks and they are going to forget me... and i will be off to NS on the 8th... congrats congrats... go to tekong for a week to learn the importance of NS and national defense...

i can help them: National Defense is important so that one day, your ass won't be fried by a nuke while you are drooling in your sleep.

and i will take 7 days to learn that... bless me ppl... i'm heading to hell and boy will i leave an impression there... HAHA!

2002-03-26T05:59:00.000-08:00

woo hoo... got the sims... can create my beloved michelle and me and see us do the "thang"...

that is if i can install it properly...

2002-03-25T05:56:00.000-08:00

well...

i've changed my layout... hope the change is acceptable to the viewers...

wait a minute...

WHERE GOT VIEWERS?!? EVEN KAI ALSO NO LONGER VISIT THIS PLACE.... DAMN DUH................. (update: kai does visit!! so i have ONE visitor... not bad not bad)

i am sad... this page no longer serves its purpose. at least not its secondary one that is. pretty soon, i will be no longer working at mediaworks. i'm going to miss the place and the people. and i will be going into NS. it's more of something that is better got rid of as soon as possible... nothing of luxury there... and while the 2 people that i see now everyday (nearly) go into university, i will be slogging my guts out somewhere in singapore as a clerk to the army. heh... gotten pretty close to them... kai at least for sure... and tianyun too... heh heh... smart people would be getting my message somewhere in here... *eh-hem*

so...

wat is gonna happen? i dunno... prob hate the 2 and half years of NS... that's shitty alright... prob not going to be in contact with kai and tianyun so much after that... haha... nervous laughter that gives myself away... what to do? meet new people, fear more.

life has been nothing but full of shit thus far... except for huang cheng and chinese soc... with one exception though... can't say here... but kai would know... prob...

i've become weary and scared, of new situations and experiences. primary school was fuck, with a teacher thinking i have suicidal and homicidal tendencies, putting me under supervision, and not having a lasting friend out of it. secondary school were days of being called "white rat", "karweean oxide 5" and other such names; the days where people would go play soccer and i cannot. where they would be going out, and i cannot. fuck.

JC was pretty shit too... J1 gave me bouts of depression. 2 misguided love attempts... i had grown a lot of course... but at a price... huang cheng is the best thing to have come out of it. so of all my years of school, those 3 months are the ones i will miss dearly. the rest can fuck off...

so wat's the future looking like? not bright... just handed in my uni app, can nope... can't say it's looking good... dunno where i will be posted... if i get posted at all... stinks to have to worry like this... must be a crime somewhere... but that's life in singapore... wat am i afraid of? that i will be headed no where... what can i do? where can i go? and when i start to break down again, who will be there? i've been looking, sounding and acting much happier these days... dunno how long they'll last... must be a crime somewhere...

and if i dun make it, know that, i loved you all along, just like sunny days that we didn't know because, we're all dumb and jaded...

song lyrics... the As have put my abilities into doubt. just that day when celebrating for kai, i went home and realised that in that group of peopl i was with, i had the lousiest grades... bummer... i know i'm not john nash material but i always thought that i am still somewhat smart... now? heh... seeing how tianyun picked up the log thing so fast and started to become nearly perfect is such a short time really humbled me. what is wrong with me? now i still make mistakes and yet there she is, less than a week and doing better than me... thanks....

how can one be thinking so much and yet be so stupid? how can one have so many dreams and yet fulfil none? how can one has so much energy and yet... still here? heh...
if there is a god, i think i'm his court jester. ah what the hell, i'll enjoy the mediaworks thing for as long and as much as i can, then we'll see... prob not gonna be pretty when i leave, at least not for me... but duty for my country calls... and if that duty means i have to give up what makes me happy and loathe another 2 years of my life, then screw my country.

really.

2002-03-23T22:27:00.000-08:00

another sunday rotting away... why is it that my father is STILL restricting my activities and stuff? yesterday told him that i would be going out to celebrate a friend's birthday. without thinking, he immediately blurted out, "why you have so many programmes?"

like 'huh?'

so i asked him what he means, and he still can say that every saturday surely go out... wtf!

for the last 2 saturdays, i have been out listening to university talks! for my future... every other day he would ask me what i want to study in U, whether i have submitted my application yet... and when i do something about it, he takes it that i am going out to have fun... intolerable!!!!!!

i'm sure he would flip if i were to bring home an electric guitar... sometimes i blame him for making me into this boring person who has no special talents or skills that i can showoff to people. he NEVER (and i am not exaggerating) supported any of my hobbies in the past. and i am still so protected? when i am nearly 19? going to university?
it sickens me to see how someone like him cannot be flexible.

2002-03-23T22:10:00.000-08:00

and fragmenting my hard-drives takes forever!!!!!!!!!

computers are supposed to make things faster and simpler, but it seems that maintenance takes a hell lot of time and energy and money... so where is the convenience? crap i tell you! all crap... bah!!!

2002-03-23T22:07:00.000-08:00

WOOO...

NOW FOR KIERON:

i'm amazed at how kai finds time to go visit other blogs and come up with these gems...

take free enneagram test

2002-03-22T07:05:00.000-08:00

i hope she didn't read what i wrote below.

this blog shit is not healthy.

i used to say all those in my mind, in my heart, and i would punch the hell out of my pillow cos i dun want my mother to hear. now this blog will allow anyone to see and read all these explosions i have in me... all these ugly words... this ugly psyche...

i dun need sympathy... you know that?

"i know how you feel" is not going to help... no matter how many times it's uttered... i need understanding and acceptance... i need ppl to tell me that i am not crazy and that whatever i think is valid and possible. i dun need tianyun (sorry) or jac (more apologies) to tell me that i did not study and so it's my fucking fault. i need someone who got 4 Bs, or worse to be with me and say that ya, it was a stupid mistake by cambridge.

ya, we are smart. it was a fluke.

i need someone who would say, "you think you have ADD? go check it out lah. maybe you really do? come to think of it, you do have a lot of the symptoms" and not

"i have many friends that have the same symptoms that you describe. so NO i don't think you have ADD. so stop trying to find reasons to explain your As. you are silly. and dun think that you are the only one. i have concentration problems too!!!!"

i wonder if she knew it. that last line already implies that though she has the same concentration problems that i am expressing concern over, she can still get 4 As, but the dim-witted me got 4 Bs.... so who's worse? who is she blaming...

i'll end here before i lose all my friends PLUS my already frail sanity... i rather be mad and not know a single shit. i rather be dead.

2002-03-22T05:51:00.000-08:00

you know what? i've realised that something is not factually right below. the part that i wanna blame ADD for my A levels. i know that a certain someone who might read this again will feel that i am just purposely making up reasons to cover myself but the truth (whether anyone believes it or cares about it) is that i am not really seeking to explain my poor performance at the As with ADD. it sounded that way.

i already convinced myself (probably wrongly again, as someone might like to say) that my As was a fluke. i do not believe my econs will not get an A. i am happy that my lit and my maths (where i screwed up an important formula for 3 big questions) got a B. now...

if my maths, which was supposed to be screwed up, got a B; and my lit (which i hardly studied for except read through the notes and texts, without memorising anything) got a B too, then my physics (which i actually had confidence in) should get an A!!!!!!! and my econs should get an A too, BECAUSE i studied for that one like i loved it!!! fuck it!! i studied econs till there was no tomorrow! and i got a B when others who got Os and Fs for prelims got A!!! so it's a fucking fluke i tell you...

as for my ADD: i just want to know if i have it or not. is that a sin? ooooh... God is almighty.... if he's so great, then what fuck is he doing giving me 4 Bs and these ADD symptoms and screwing up my life like this? not making me any more of a convert...

the feeling of dreams being shattered when you almost have confidence you will attain them is something my critic doesn't know. she can say all she wants about how i am seeking something to explain my 4 Bs... fine... i've decided it was a fluke. i should have gotten 2 As and 2 Bs minimium. but i did not. that is not because of concentration problems or ADD, cos i like econs at the end and i enjoyed studying it. and physics too. i actually enjoyed studying these 2 subjs. so it's not ADD, not concentration.

but i am not a normal person you find who has concentration problems, who is sloppy, who is impulsive, who is not "all the way" person... but keep in mind, my highly educated friend, that MANY other fuckers exhibit symptoms of ADD, but one of these fuckers will actually have ADD... and i think i qualify more than those friends of yours who are acting like i do... it takes me to know me... so back off with your snide, arrogant remarks and go ask your god to teach you sensitivity. i was seeking a good and fruitful conversation with you tonight, but you had to turn this ugly. you had to make me think of the things i dun want to. you had to get me furious. you had to see my ugly side.

good...

if you or anyone else cannot except this demon in me, then i suggest you get the fuck away from me as far as you can... i'm the one with problems... you dun need to complicate your own life... go to whichever overseas U you want to, take your scholarship and go sort out YOUR own concentration problems (or so you claim... ho ho ho...) there...

2002-03-22T05:48:00.000-08:00

history of why i suspect i got ADD:

first of all, i cannot for the love of me, or anything else, ever belive i can get BBBB for A levels when ppl who have always been lousier than me in studies can get AAB. i know this sounds cruel, and it is, but the point here is that something has to have gone wrong for me to get such disgusting results. it's not right. friends i've turned to for support blamed me for it, claiming with confidence that i did not study and stuff. it hurt even more when they said that.

i did study for the A levels. i may have slacked like shit during my 1st year. but with the slacking i still got through the HWA CHONG paper with results better than at least 1/3 of my class. my prelims were shit i know, but for the As, i did not leave things to chance. i studied through. my economics theories were never so memorised. i never did so much mathematics. i never felt that i understood physics -- until now.

then comes crunch time and i failed miserably. MISERABLY. i could not understand how i could be the ONLY fucker in my class to not get an A in any subject.

whatever.

the above has nothing to do with my ADD suspicions. but my ADD suspicions, if confirmed, will explain the above.
i first started asking questions when i was reading a guitar magazine my buddy Kai lent me. there the guy was talking about making music with ADD (he had ADD). he listed 20 symptoms and said if the reader has more than 12 of them, there is high likelihood the reader has ADD. i decided that i will not be like those idiots who seek to find problems with themselves and purposely admit they have some of the symptoms when they really don't just so that they can explain away life with ADD. so i read through and only when the point really applied, i would count that i had the symptoms, anything less i ignored.

in the end, i had something like 15 symptoms.

i got worried.

and strangely happy.

because i can now explain why i did so bad in school, why i wasn't able to pay attention. why i had so many hobbies that i pursued to the point of obession. why my relationship with other ppl are crap, why i can NEVER sit down for more than 15 minutes to study a text because i would be restless and bored and distracted.

why i got BBBB. why i am not a loser.

but it got me worried too. this might explain my results and put my mind to ease somewhat. but what about the future? as if being physically flawed is not enough, now i must be mentally disabled too?

i researched on the subject. more and more symptoms came up. my behaviour matched more and more of them. i am more or less convinced that i have the condition. but still, there is this little bit of doubt because some symptoms are only just mildly manifested. so do i really have ADD? woodbridge mental hospital do not have a test for it. i think i would need to go to MOE for their psychologists to assess me. but it would be tough. they would have to talk to my teachers, my parents, my friends, me. they would need to observe my behaviour over time, see if i really have those symptoms. ADD is not something that can be diagnosed with a drug test or a scan. it can only be diagnosed through observation. so it seems to me that since i have left school, diagnosis is not going to be done.

therefore i will probably never know if i have ADD or not.

but i can be sure what i DO have. i do have concentration problems. i do have a healthy sense of humour. i do have mood swings periodically. i do get distracted easily. i am messy. i am sloppy. i am impulsive with my money. i do quit a project halfway without completing it. i do do things without thinking first.

i just hope that when i get into U, these problems will not affect me anymore. if not, my future is in jeopardy. i wish i can get diagnosed or at least tested for the condition. at least if i have it or not. but i shall reveal this to you, everyone reading this: 90% of me is hoping i do have ADD. that way i don't have to admit i am a loser, plain and simple.

pathetic?

yes.

definitely

(to be continued, another possible reason to my mental deficiencies)

2002-03-22T05:17:00.000-08:00

hey-yo! it's been a while... eh?

so i will do a short update:

i got accepted into lancaster and aberdeen but rejected outright by LSE. i got no money to go, therefore the next point.

i applied for no less than 5 scholarships. none has contacted me. i dun think i will get any.

i got BBBB for A levels... as such, i won't be able to get into mass comm offered by NTU. but i'll still put that down. arts and soc. sci is looking like the final one i'll go to by choice or not. i dun really want NIE.

i suspect i got concentration problems, and memory problems, with hallucinations and some learning disabilities. they are probably mild but this does not mean they don't exist. i'm looking at ADD (attention deficit disorder) or temporal lobe problems now. i will give history in a later post.

i am going into NS on 8th April. there goes my life and my beloved job at mediaworks... i really love it there... *sobz*...

just today i went for a poster shoot for channel U's new drama-cum-comedy (i think it's called dramaedy). i was in full camouflage combat gear with camouflage and helmet and a M-16. real M-16 rifle. the camouflage stuff is really hard to get off. hey, now i can tell people i got a promotional poster to my credentials. how many can boast that?
i got a CD-RW drive. now i can run a bootleg pirated business of my own... (hmmmm....)

thinking of A levels, scholarships and universities make me depressed and furious and frustrated.

thinking of work makes me happy. thinking of a certain someone also makes me happy. i'm in love with her. her name is michelle. ; )

'a beautiful mind' is one of the best films i've ever seen. russlle crowe delivered a brilliant performance. watch it if you haven't. watch again if you have.

erm... think thus far this is all that is new... i'll let you know if there is updates now that by not thinking of A levels, school and future, i can actually function normally...

by the way, if anyone has any way for me to find out if i do have ADD or some other kind of mental-learning-related problem, please let me know at my email... thanks a lot...

2002-03-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

Hard rock and tatoos. You hate life; you hate your parents; you hate your family; you hate yourself; oh dear. You have problems with your girlfriends and drugs. You can play some awesome music, and everything you write has a really deep meaning along with some wicked sounds.

2002-02-28T04:02:00.000-08:00

Another bunch of quiz results... all links courtesy of Kai...

Take the "How immature are you?" Test

created by sami

What is your meaning of life?
Are you sure??!?

	You are Fozzie! Wokka Wokka! You love to make lame jokes. Your sense of humor might be a bit off, but you're a great friend and can always be counted on..
*Take the What Muppet Are You?* Quiz!**

damn he's a cute one... hehe...

2002-02-27T18:17:00.000-08:00

HOLY SHIT... Why am i doing this!!???!?!? triple espresso without any sweetener!?? this is mad... this is disgusting...

this is testing my limits... twisted minds love to do this a lot don't they? well... give me anything to taste now and i'll probably think it's sweet... even if it's not... this builds character i hope.... gaaagg.... bitter.........

speaking of twisted minds torturing themselves, go here and read about ppl getting athlete's foot on purpose... and squeezing lemon juice on the cracked skin... compared to this, my coffee seems rather sane...

2002-02-27T18:09:00.000-08:00

Boy this morning is hell... slept for like 6 hours last night... with a back ache (don't ask) it's not the refreshing sleep i needed... and so i came to the office this morning and down a triple espresso... and then a double espresso... making that.... .... .... a lot of coffee... yet i'm still hardly awake now... think i'll go for another triple later... aarrghh...

and the trouble is... i had to put sugar in the freaking coffee cos damn it's bitter!! now conflict of interests... why?? cos sugar ain't healthy for me! like duh lah... sugar = diabetes possiblity or whatever... well... i can drink the coffee bitter of course, but that's plain torture... wait a minute... maybe that'll wake me up more! that's it... going for that triple now, WITHOUT sugar and whitener... hahaha... i'm SM man.... watch out for my burst of agony later... muahahahaha...

later...

2002-02-25T17:07:00.000-08:00

RIGHT LOOKS LIKE MY BOSS AINT AROUND (and looks like i forgot to turn off caps again)...

now why am i joining the millions of ppl bent on reducing themselves to shells so that they are at the mercy of strong winds? it's cos i am unhealthy...
now... i have noticed that i am layers of soft, malleable 'things' around the stomach area... i have reached the conclusion that these could not be the children's swimming float i have used as a child in the swimming pool (where else?) and so these must be the dreaded fats!! layers (at least 2... boy are these intimate details...) of fat... that's right... i am fat... and it's true... i have the evidence... now why would kai suddenly be making comments like the ones made? simple:

i don't LOOK fat...

huh??

yes... look at my face... i don't have a double chin, i dun have puffy eyes, my cheeks have always been this erm... cheeky... (what?! you can find the appropriate word? good for you... i can't) and my neck has always been this thick...
plus, my arms don't have cellulite hanging about (if cellulite appears on arms) and they look thin enough... my calves look big but it can easily be mistaken for muscles... well they are...

my point is... i have these spare tires since... a long time ago... and i have since known how to dress well... dress like i am not fat... i'm naturally smart that way (no kidding...) and that is why ppl think i am slim... hahahaha....

but the truth is i am not... and this is bad for me... not just looks-wise (cos hey... judging from the past, i ain't got no probelm with that...)... so what the fuck is the reason?? let me tell you................................................................

i can't fit in my pants anymore... it's true... bwah....!!!

well... it's true lah... i am having some sort of pot-belly business going on here... but the more serious problem is my health... as some ppl would know and all too often conveniently forget, i have a medical history... and as anyone who reads this will know, being fat means the heart is surrounded by a layer of fat... which is bad cause it's like trying to climb a mountain wearing a heavily padded full bodied suit...

so when a part of the reason lies with the image of myself, the greater truth is my dad is pushing me to do this as well because of my possible future complications... i, myself, feel this way and that is why i am doing this... that is the main reason, not that i am out to starve myself...

and what did i do today?
well... i tried to climb as many stairs as i could... but i realise going against the flow at an mrt station isn't wise...

also i've started to TRY to eat healthy... TRY... TRY...

aiyah, sian... more updates to come...

2002-02-25T16:55:00.000-08:00

HEY HEY HEY... JUST A MINUTE HERE! (oops... forgot to turn off caps...)

unlike someone else we all know... or actually, some ppl we both know, i am NOT imagining things... i AM fat (wanted to find another word for it... i failed... boooo hooo!!)... if you see my bare naked body (like in a million years time), you will see 3 layers of fat... it's true... i ain't lying... so that's why i am going to do something about this... but since i am working now, i will try my best to post up an update today concerning why i am doing this (I had intended to touch on this topic today before YOU came along and started assuming left and right... humph)... so don't think i am another disillusioned, uncontended, media-fed frenzied teen... you gotta know the story before you talk... ... ... unless the story is like the ones of the ppl we know who just complain they are fat... capice?

2002-02-25T08:21:00.000-08:00

Whoa.... not again... another person lamenting that he's/she's fat.... argh...
Better make sure you lose fat, not muscle... or else that's gonna be dumb.
It's your body... you take charge of it...

--- Kai

2002-02-24T22:26:00.000-08:00

and so, after a long time without any significant intellectual contribution to my blog, i shall now subscribe to the american belief that whatever you do, you should share it with the world...

what am i talking about???

well... just yesterday, i visited thespark.com and checked out their 'science' experiment where they tried to get 2 perfectly slim, good looking individuals to gain 30 lbs in 30 days in exchange for US$3000... the twisted monkey who thought this up claimed that he got the inspiration from an ad that says if you do this and do that, you can lose 30lbs in 30 days! wow...

and that day i got out the bathroom scale and weighed myself... i'm a whooping 66kg!! ... and so upon unleasing intimate details about myself, i decided to follow through with this (in true voyeur spirit)... here i am telling you about myself:

i am 1.64m tall...
i am 66kg...
my BMI is 23.795359904818560380725758477097...

that puts me safely in the range of "YOU HAVE THE BODY MASS OF GODZILLA AFTER A BUFFET"...
therefore, i now announce my plan to lose weight!!

i will update you all on what i am doing to lose weight and reach my goal of 56kg... yes... support me! support! me!
so now, you will get to know the desperate measures (and stupid... of course) i take to lose weight...

however, i WILL NOT be going on a diet... that's just stupid... i will go for what the best science and technology research can offer me today... i will go for liposuction!!!

har har har... (dry sarcastic laughter...)

no i will be old-fasioned and i will just do what ppl have been doing since the cave man times... that's right, i will just dream about losing weight...

alright alright... no no... i will just... oh i have to go... posting from work you see... so check back everyday and i will try to provide daily updates on this crusade i have so boldly decided to undertake... if not daily, i promise at least weekly... stay tuned...

2002-02-22T20:55:00.000-08:00

Great site... Worth a look...

2002-02-22T20:31:00.000-08:00

Which tarot card are you?

and so what does this mean??? i am a chariot... erm??

Your Results:

You were female in your last earthly incarnation.

You were born somewhere around the territory of what is now know as modern South Japan, approximately in the year 1050.

Your profession was: builder of roads, bridges, docks.

A brief psychological profile of you in that past life:
Person with huge energy, good in planning and supervising. If you were just garbage-man, you were chief garbage-man.

A lesson that your last past life wishes you to learn in your present life is:
You are bound to learn to understand other people and to meet all life difficulties with joyful heart. You should help others, bringing them spirit of joy.

do you remember?

ya i remember the female part probably...

PG-13

Now we're getting somewhere - your actions are
now past pre-teen level, and you're beginning to
display some more mature content in your life

"Which Movie Classification Are You?"
Test created by Jamie - take it here.

alright... i am a child... right... right.............RRRRRIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT............. i am not a child... am not... am not... am not... NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2002-02-16T23:22:00.000-08:00

Which Firearm are you?
brought to you byStan Ryker

If you are wondering where i get all these tests... well i got them from kai... yes... i am that unoriginal... woo hoo... whatever... like hey... here is another one:

Take the Monopoly Piece Quiz!

2002-02-12T23:29:00.000-08:00

and I do remember you once put "$500 a DAY"... and people must be cursin' you for bein' sucha a whiner then.....
only advice: stick with it for one month, get paid, hopefully get your NS enlistment date confirmed by then, bail out...

--- Kai

2002-02-12T21:51:00.000-08:00

wonderful:

Your a toothy, you have poor dental hygine and are fucking insane. Some circles want you dead.On the upside you love life though!
Take the What
FMC Emoticon Are You?? Quiz

2002-02-12T21:43:00.000-08:00

hey i took that mario bros quiz and i am both mario and luigi! wow... split personality... wtf...

I am a celebrity, a natural born leader, and a mascot. When old people think of video games, they oftentimes get a mental image of me. Countless times I've been called into battle to save Peach from various baddies, even back in the days of Atari, and I have never faltered. Others may be jealous, but who cares? I'm Mario!

What Super Mario Bros character are you?

I don't quite get it. I am smarter, fitter, and bolder than my potbellied brother ever could hope to be, yet he gets all the fame, fortune, and glory, not to mention Peach's heart. If only I was the first player in Super Mario Bros... things could have been different. Maybe I can make a comeback, now that I finally have my own game.. but probably not. After all, I'm just Luigi.

What Super Mario Bros character are you?

2002-02-12T21:33:00.000-08:00

first day of work came and went. because of it i had to miss my school celebration... not a good sign... and the pay sucks... the work is still alright but it's only the first day... i have about 23,000 other tasks i haven't learned to do yet... so... that's not a good sign either... i just hope that i will not hate the job... because:

1) it's in a ulu place... that i don't know well... if i wanna escape for a 2 hour lunch break... i dunno where to go...
2) the office is small... i am so far, the ONLY helper of my supervisor, who is probably the only person who works in that place... basically, he runs the whole TV works production stuff... except filming, he does all the rest of the editing, scheduling etc... and

I

have to the one helping this poor dude...
3) the work i will be doing in the future looks really really horribly boring and hate-inducing...
4) the pay sucks... look below...
5) supposedly the food sucks...
6) there are absolutely ZERO babes there to ease the eyes... what the hell...
7) the pay really really sucks... and i have a feeling that they dun have OT pay... wonderful...

it is at times like this that i wonder why i'm so fabulously unlucky... never mind... $500 better than nothing...

= )

---------------later---------------

what the hell!??!? who am i kidding?!?? this i madness...!!! i can't comfort myself! i am down in the dumps...!! where is my guardian angel to lift me outta this??? must be asking for too much... well well... ppl get paid $7/hr as in intern and sits around popping their eyes out staring at the screen... other ppl work with a bunch of close friends in a $6.50/hr + OT pay customer service job and later can just cross the street to *gasp* orchard road... and wat the hell am i doing????????????????????? $2.50/hr + ZERO OT pay in a ulu place being busy the whole day (i assume it'll be my turn to work one day)... life is peachy...

2002-02-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

$500 a month!????!?!!?!?!?!?!

it sucks...

2002-02-09T08:31:00.000-08:00

diff departmen?! wat the..? sian... and my father now is not happy at the low pay... how? he now ask me to look for other job. nicki say must find replacement if i wanna quit...

why am i so suay1????? need to go temple and change my luck... damn...

2002-02-08T23:28:00.000-08:00

Well... and they can afford to 'exploit' if they change the name to 'internship' instead of 'part-time work'. Well, I'm stuck at that department ie. promotions... that's why I gotta do that lousy shit. But there will be outdoor stuff soon eg. press conference at OneFullterton on 14th Feb with some FAS footballers, Kym Ng etc... hopefully that would be better. Anyway, I think you're gonna be in a different department, so things might be different. Yeah, I might have more options that you think, but me and my silly 'ol self-imposed screening for jobs... sorta reduces the scope by... a lot. Actually, might be able to sian1 a bit and do tuition... but well... I dunno.

Eh, if by after CNY Indochine doesn't pay up, let's go storm the place! They're owning us waaaaaaaaay too long. Theater Practice haven't paid me yet 'coz they haven't settled my check... so now, I'm still livin' off money my parents gimme... =(

Hmmm... you're dad and pam's dad seem to have have some similar qualities... maybe you two can exchange advice?

--- Kai

2002-02-08T20:20:00.000-08:00

despite conflicting interests, i decided to take up the insanely student-exploitative job at mediaworks. after reading kai's account of the 1st day at work, i am SO discouraged. what to do? take the job lah. who ask me to be poor and not lucky enough to have a good job? who ask me to not lead a charmed life, not to have ppl calling me up for jobs? in this respect i'm a loser. well kai might be thinking the same, but hey pal! you have more options than i do. i got rejected 3 times because of my NS. all 3 jobs are good paying ones as you might know. screw life lah. down in the dumps here. shit man... $500 NETT per month. i calculated (for the sake of my father who is like constantly mad and shouting at everyone everday) that it's about $2.50 an hour. sigh...
how lah? damn...

and indochine still hasn't called... and i'm having a dry spell here... talking about my site. plus now my father is not happy i go to school so much. i work and he's not happy the job pays so low. i stay at home and he's not happy that i play the computer so much.

how to please him?

2002-01-28T07:54:00.000-08:00

I will TRY to help, but no gurantees ah... So you're James Iha... and you're gonna lead a happy, normal life... wow... sweet love songs?! =) James Iha: guitarist in Smashing Pumpkins I think, had came out with his own solo album before, very soft-spoken and is Asian-American I think.... Jap maybe. He had *dunno about now* black shoulder-length hair streaked with silver. Yup...

--- Kai

2002-01-27T09:54:00.000-08:00

you are the most likely of the smashing pumpkins to lead a happy, normal life. your innate shyness
conceals a wicked sense of humour and a fondness for sweet love songs.

which pumpkin are you?

man he looks like a girl in this pic... reminds me of... *gasp* mana.... i'm him man... fuck that ah? haha... i dunno a single bit about this guy... someone can educate me a bit?

2002-01-27T09:52:00.000-08:00

ya i want you to help me... however you can... forget my depression thing... i ain't talking...
i'm tired too... sigh... tennis...

2002-01-24T08:43:00.000-08:00

Hmm... mysterious person you're into here... whoa dude, what's with the depression? Talk it out or rant to me (You want it here? Or email if you want it private...)
You talkin' to ME? Or is it an open invitation for publicist? I can try to help... but no promises. If you think that you want my help 'coz my page has lotsa hits.. errm.. well...honestly, I think the bulk are my own.... I think that even when I am offline workin' on it, the times I load the index page are recorded and added on... gee

--- Tired 'ol Kai

2002-01-23T23:23:00.000-08:00

for a pic of mana, here:
Thump Thump...

i like mana cos mana (i'm avoiding the word 'he' here) looks more chio than any girl i know... except maybe cheryl. my target of my affection? i ain't showering no affection on her... in fact i haven't seen her for quite some time now... and i'm trying to convince myself i will not fall for this one... and i have just lapsed into depression yet again... that's the updates for today...

BTW, can i hire you to publicise my site?

2002-01-22T20:03:00.000-08:00

Dare you doubt my sincerity... grrr...

Maybe you shd post a pic of mana on your blog/site and lotsa str8 guys out there will start goin' gaga over mana *rhymes eh?* with you! Anyhow... if you like mana 'coz "mana-looks-like-the-ultimate-chio-babe", then erm.. ok, BUT if you like mana 'coz "HE-is-so-crushable-BECAUSE-he-dresses-up-as-a-girl".. then well... dude, you're 'deviant'. Not necessarily a good or bad thing, but remember, we will always love you even if you are!!

So who's your latest target of affection?? MANA??!

--- Kai

2002-01-22T19:37:00.000-08:00

i'm facing a crisis here... i have a crush on mana... as if that is not enough... i MAY be once again falling into the trap of liking someone...

i fall in and outta love easily eh?

and i still have that job... life sucks man...

2002-01-22T19:19:00.000-08:00

updated the site... changed the index page... thanks kai for the polite and kind (in other words not true) comments.

just watched 2 videos of malice mizer... think i have a crush on mana... sooooooooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! much much much prettier than most girls i know!! sigh....

this is a problem... why?

mana is a guy who always dresses up as a girl... i'm dead man...

2002-01-22T03:10:00.000-08:00

Yo bro...
Congrats on the launch of your site! Sheesh, you're bloody fast... and I took like at least a week to finish up mine. I can see it goin' places...

and finally, I found someone who can actually be funnier than me 24-7... yes, YOU maddened... *I admit defeat*

--- Kai

2002-01-22T01:08:00.000-08:00

after about 6 hours of work, my site http://hidden-in.deep-ice.com is done... done i tell you... of course there were some problems like the spinning picture cannot load. the file extension must be .html and not .htm
so it only took me like 5 hours to load my site...
BUT IT'S DONE!

most of it anyway... some pages haven't done up yet... but hey... give me time ah... it's hard work ok? there are losta goodies in it... every link has an attitude!! wow... there is a subliminal message on the 1st page!! wow... i'm a genius!! wow... so go there ok? wow...
and i haven't watched lord of the rings!! wow... and still after 4 days the guy hasn't answered my sms!! wow... the other person i complained about, she msg half way and never reply again!! wow... life is great!! wow... i am really irritating!! wow...

2002-01-21T07:34:00.000-08:00

And now, I've successfully INVADED this blog... yeah rite... honored to be invited.
Song on radio now: I AM NUMBER ONE...

--- Kai ---

2002-01-21T07:07:00.000-08:00

oh... and my plan of watching lord of the rings today did not materialise. naturally... and soon, no cinema will be showing it... never mind... and i had asked one of the 2 below-mentioned-sms-non-replier whether he's free to watch today with me. 3 days. not even a yes or no. why do i bother? why? why should i still treat these ppl like they ARE my life when they don't even give a fuck about me? why bother?

2002-01-21T07:00:00.000-08:00

aargh... some days just can't have a bit of niceness abt it... everyone is ignoring me. 2 ppl whom i consider really close friends have yet to answer my sms. after 3 days... really hurts man... friends... ha! no thanks...

2002-01-21T06:48:00.000-08:00

Sucky day today. Woke up early today at about 6.45am cos I gotta go to the job agency to submit my time-sheet so that they can actually pay me. It’s the same job agency that’s leeching my pay away. Anyhow, I got up that early, thinking that no problem, with so much preparation, everything should go smoothly. And so I slacked the time away on the com. Listening to my Gackt mp3s and doing stuff. I intended to leave at about 10am. So at that time, I turned off the com, and was about to leave when my mom returned from her shopping. Market shopping that is. 1st thing she said was to scold me saying that she and a few friends of hers were screaming their lungs off downstairs ( I live on the 3rd floor, so screaming downstairs is not that stupid an idea ) and yet I did not hear them. Well… can I be blamed? It’s hardly a time when I have the whole house to myself and I can listen to my mp3s without someone telling me to turn down the volume cos THEY have to watch TV (my com is in the living room). Now that I have the house to myself, and the chance to actually turn up the volume to my mp3s and sing along, OF BLOODY COURSE I did just that. So ya maybe I was to blame a little for not being able to hear 3 women screaming.

However, I did not tell my mother any of that. Why? Cos she just say that I shut all the windows and play music loud loud. Hello!? I was supposed to be anticipating 3 middle-aged women shouting for me at 9 in the morning!? Huh? So I should live my life turning down the volume of MY music so that someone else can watch TV and I should forever be waiting for my mother to scream for me? So I mention that she has a handphone, so why the fuck did she not bring it along with her and use it? You would think that humans are able to talk because they got some logic and reason. Well… SHE scolded me and “politely” reminded me that my father told her not to bring the phone down with her in the mornings. Oh ya… after so many years of complaining that she has to listen to everything my father tells her, she suddenly is the submissive wife. Fuck that. In any case, the end result was that I was made to feel that I was in the wrong, when apparently she has something to do with it to. I was made to feel guilty. And this was how I left the house, quietly burning inside.

Later on, when I was out with a few friends, she suddenly called me and immediately used an accusing and angry tone saying, “Ni3 bao3 dao4 na2 li3 qu4!!” she claims that the lady in charge of me at the recruitment agency called her and asked why wasn’t I at work. Ha. I had told her at least THREE times since I started work that for the month of January, I only work on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. But she will have nothing of that. Someone just called her and she assumed (it was wrong of course) that the caller was from the agency and I was skipping work. Apparently it was some friend who called her but in the end never called me, thus I still dunno who was the one who made the call. The point is, I am her son. I had told her from the beginning of my work period that I only work weekends for January. Yet she receives some phone from someone and the first thing she does? Accuse me of skipping work. Who does she trust more? Her son or some random caller who she doesn’t even know?!?!?!! I dunno why I study so much and be such a nice boy for so long.

I come back home and of course I’m pissed. But I dun scold her, I dun throw a temper. Just now, I started coughing a little and my brother made some comment that I had caught the bug (my bro and father both fell sick not too long ago). She made this critical comment, “Everyday go out and drink all the cold drinks, of course lah.” HELLO!??? I WAS FUCKING WORKING? WAT YOU EXPECT ME TO DO? DIE OF THIRST? Of course I could just fill a bottle of water and brought it along, but I am standing in front of a store shelf promoting beer. And I need to have dinner out. I need to keep my haversack in a locker (security insists on it). It is not exactly very likely that I can avoid all outside bought cold drinks altogether. But it’s my fault lah… I am the guilty one here… Sorry, maybe in the future when I graduate I shouldn’t go out and work so that I can stay at home and drink tap water till I burst. That has been the pattern these 2 months. No behaviour of mine is right and whatever conflict there is between us, it is my fault, she says. And just moments ago, she used that same critical and accusing tone and asked why had I not answered her call (she called once with her handphone, but my phone was set to vibration and I didn’t feel it while bowling with my friends). The way she put it, it was dead clear to anyone who can understand speech that she was implying that I had ON PURPOSE ignored her call.

Moral of the story: As her son, as a near 19-year-old who is about to be an NS man, who will in 2 short years, get the ‘key’ to my life, I will forever be in the wrong about things. I cannot get angry at her even though I am not just her son, but only a person, while she is always justified when she yells at me, get angry at me, and say stuff like “I regret being your mother”. Well, she should be glad that I had studied as hard as I can and got into Hwa Chong and not become some gangster beating ppl up or some psychotic rapist. Or someone who yells back at his mother when yelled at.

You are the only one who has regrets about our mother-son relationship. I regret I was born and then survived my heart problem. I regret I was born. Period.

2002-01-20T16:04:00.000-08:00

"aishite mo ii kai????????"
(is it alright to love to???????)
(as opposed to wat?!??!)

oooh... the word of translated lyrics...

"i've seen a tail" <---- actual lyrics...
"a crew sees crying knees, wanna need, not betray!!" <--- once again, actual lyrics...

ooh... the world the of jap artistes trying to use english in their songs...

2002-01-20T16:00:00.000-08:00

another weekend of work has passed... i am paid $4/hr... wat the hell?! and they stuff they tell me to do is something even the pernanent staff there would not do at a wage of $1200/mth... if you calculate that out... it's about, i dunno, $355626/hr... definitely more than me...
even more depressing is the knowledge that the recruitment agency i'm being hired by, which is in turn hired by APB, which pays me... anyhow, that agency, which i shall just call "Adecco", probably earns about $6/hr from APB... in other words, i was supposed to get at least $10/hr but "Adecco" takes $6 leaving me with a pathetic $4. wow...
so next time if you want to find work, dun find a recruitment agency... dun find "Adecco" especially, unless you really dig anal-retentive pretty office girls who are 2-D cos you probably eats an average of 4 apples in a year... i have to "go" now... if you know wat i mean...

2002-01-17T21:54:00.000-08:00

there... it's done... now ppl, enjoy...